Do you all remember the T.V. show "Gomer Pyle"? Well I wil start this blog with my **** impression of him: "SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE"! Oh well, guess ya gotta be here with me to acknowledge this **** impression, don't ya?
Well, those 3 words were the exact 3 words I yelled out when I heard that Tour de France winner Floyd Landis had tested for testosterone last week. Really? And Lance Bass is gay? No! really? Why
doesn't someone tell me something that I don't know already? Official reports out of Tour de France
"Urine Test H.Q." state that his "A" sample tested positive for "high levels" of testosterone (of course
Floyd & "his people" insisted that it was NOT testosterone, but an over abundance of potato chips,
"Tostitos" potato chips!) Yeah, right! Now they await for test results of his "B" (or is it "bee" test?) Oh
yeah? I think we all know what they're gonna find in his "B" ("bee") sample, don't we? Most likely some
more "high levels" of honey, and/or a bad case of the "hives"! Hello? Floyd? Can you say the word
"preposterous"? His first defence was that his body naturally produces "high levels" of testosterone,
and that he's "naturally high" all the time, ya know, just like George Carlin's "Hippy-Dippy Weatherman"
or just like Neil Young? or Keith Richards? or even Miami Dolphins' suspended star Ricky Williams, now
settled in Canada, that's "Decriminalized Pot" Canada! His ever faithful mom, a devout Mennonite told
the media in no uncertain terms that her boy is innocent, so there! Hmmmm..........didn't Hitler's mom
say the same thing about Adolph back in the 30's? However she did say that she & her hubby,(Ma &
Pa Kettle?) were upset that Floyd had left the compound years ago to join the "21st. century" crowd.
she was quoted: "We always warned him about the evils of "electricity"!
The "A" sample showed a ratio of 11-1 of testosterone levels; the average for a regular guys is about
4-1! Hello? Floyd? Testosterone is just a male sex hormone, so where ya goin with this? 11-1? Mon
Dieu! Not even Martina Navratilova or K.D. Lang or Rosei O'Donnell has that much male sex hormone!
To make matters worse in the same week Jason Gatlin, world's "fastest man" at 9.77 was also found
with "high levels" of testosterone, but his trainer blamed it on Jason's massage therapist, who he
accused of "rubbing in" the testosterone during his massage without Jason's knowledge. Yeah, right!
Do these guys actually believe that we were all born yesterday? Besides that "rubbing in" excuse was
used last year by the one & only Barry Bonds! These guys need new writers to think up new excuses,
n'est-ce-pas? Why don't they use the "Bill Clinton" excuse for excessive testosterone (or in his case,
MALE SEX HORMONE!!!!) You know, that "236 hr." CIALIS medication?
Now he could have used the "Ben Johnson" excuse, ya know, the one he uses on that current T.V.
commercial for CHEETAH POWER JUICE? The host aks him: "Ben, do you CHEETAH"? Ben replies:" a-a-
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-absolutely"! "Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah always CHEETAH"! "But! Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-ah did
not take any of t-t-t-t-t-t-those "stereos"!
Now Floyd's lawyer is getting involved, like he's a "lab expert"? Not only does he have a law degree,
but he also has a "B.S" & a "PHD", that is "bullshit piled higher & deeper"! He now blames Floyd's
testosterone "high level" due to his dehydration. Hello? Mr. Counsellor? are talking "dehydration"? or
perhaps "de-HIGH-dration"? Hey! 11-1 is still 11-1! Even the Toronto Maple Leafs get better odds than
that! All of them, Floyd Landis! Jason Gatlin! Barry Bonds! Ben Johnson! (may as wel throw in George
"Dubya" Bush in there too!) are cheats & liars and deserve no sympathy whatsoever!
To finish this blog just let me say that if you really believe Floyd Landis & Jason Gatlin & the rest of
them are innocent, then you must really believe that Mel "Happy Honica" Gibson was wearing a
yarmalke last week when he got busted by the Malibu Police for DUI!