READ ALL ABOUT IT! READ ALL ABOUT IT! THIS JUST IN: ROGERS CABLE, ROGERS INTERNET,
ROGERS WIRELESS, ROGERS TELEPHONES (LAND LINES) ROGERS MOVIES RENTALS, ROGERS THIS,
ROGERS THAT, ROGERS "EVERYTHING" IN CONJUNCTION WITH MLSEL (TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS,
TORONTO RAPTORS, TORONTO MARLIES, LEAFS TV, RAPTORS TV, TORONTO F.C. SOCCER CLUB,
AIR CANADA CENTRE, MAPLE LEAF SQUARE CONDOS (CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION AND 90%
SOLD OUT!) AND, OF COURSE, THE ONTARIO TEACHERS PENSION FUND HAVE JUST ANNOUNCED
THAT THEY NOW JOINTLY OWN 51% OF "THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE", FORMERLY KNOWN AS
THE CITY OF TORONTO. DETAILS & FILM AT 11:00!
RIGHT NOW, A STATEMENT FROM THE LATE "MR. FRED ROGERS", DIRECT FROM THAT "HAPPY"
NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE SKY: "HI THERE, BOYS & GIRLS, MOMS & DADS, AND HOW ARE YOU
TODAY"? "SURE, AH KNEW THAT YOU WERE JUST FINE". "NOW WOULD YA LIKE TO SING TOGETHER
WITH MR. ROGERS"? "SURE, LET'S DO IT: "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE ROGERS/MLSEL NEIGHBOR-
HOOD, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE BEAUTY WOOD, WON'T YOU BE MINE? WON'T YOU BE MINE?
WON 'T YA BE MY NEIGHBOR"? "VERY GOOD, BOYS & GIRLS, MOMS & DADS, NOW I HAVE TO ASK THE
MOMS & DADS A QUESTION": CAN YOU SAY THE WORD GREED? CAN YOU SAY THE WORD GOUGE"?
"SURE, AH KNEW YA COULD, CAUSE ALL THE MOMS & THE DADS IN THE BEAUTIFUL PROVINCE OF
OF ONTARI-ARI-ARI-ARI-ARI-O ARE SOON GONNA BE PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE FOR THIS NICE
AMALGAMATION". "BET YA YOU'RE NOT SO SURE IF IT'S STILL A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBOR-
HOOD NOW, ARE YOU"? "GUESS YA ALL KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT HOGTOWN NOW, DON'T YA"?
"SURE! AND THAT IS THE LAST "SURE"!
THE WORD ON THE SREET IS THAT ROGERS EVERYTHING & MLSEL ARE TEAMING UP TO "HEIST" AN
NFL FRANCHISE, MOST LIKELY THE BUFFALO BILLS AND SHIP THEM ACROSS THE BORDER INTO THE
"NEW" $800-900M STADIUM THEY EXPECT VARIOUS LEVELS OF GOV'T. TO PAY FOR. YA FIGURE THEY
HAVE ENOUGH NERVE TO ASK FOR HELP FROM THE ALBERTA HERITAGE FUND? EN FRANCAIS? YEAH,
RIGHT! YA SEE THE CURRENT SKY DOME (OOPS! IT'S THE ROGERS CENTRE NOW, SORRY TED!) HAS
ONLY 56,000 SEATS FOR FOOTBALL, AND THE NFL REQUIRES MINIMUM OF 65,000. ALTOGETHER
NOW, "AAAAWWWWWW! OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH! OOOOOOOUUUUUUUU"! (CUE IN A COUPLE OF
C & W SAD SONGS, WILL YA?)
LOOKS LIKE THE "POINT MAN", PROF. NFL LOBBYIST PAUL "OUR MAN" GODFREY NOW HAS THE
THOSE EVER-ELUSIVE "OPM" BUCKS ("OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY") TO START THE OFFICIAL GREASING
OF THE PALMS (I.E. "NFL PALMS") FORBES CANADA ESTIMATES THAT ROGERS EVERYTHING AND
MLSEL HAVE ABOUT $7-8B (CAN.) BETWEEN THEM (NOT INCL. ONTARIO TEACHERS PENSION FUND)
THAT OF COURSE IS, GIVE OR TAKE A HUNDRED MIL OR SO. $7-8 B (CAN.)? HMMMMM......THAT'S
PROBABLY ENOUGH TO COVER "DUBYA'S" MONTHLY NUT IN IRAQ? OKAY, WITH THE EXCHANGE,
MAYBE ABOUT 3 WEEKS. YA SEE? IT AIN'T THAT MUCH; IT'S THE $PIRIT THAT COUNTS. YEAH, THAT'S
IT, THE $PIRIT!
THESE 2 WONDERFUL CORPORATE CITIZENS WANT IT ALL! THEY WANT A STANLEY CUP RIGHT NOW,
AND IF THEY CAN'T GET IT (EDITOR'S NOTE: LAST ONE WAS IN 1967!) THEY WILL SIMPLY BUY THE
ENTIRE NHL, OKAY? CAPICHE? THEY ALSO WANT THEIR NFL FRANCHISE & SUPER BOWL CHAMP.
WITHIN 2 YRS. OF THE OFFICIAL HIJACK. DITTO THE WORLD SERIES CHAMP. EVERY OTHER YEAR.
(OH, BY THE WAY DID I MENTION THAT ROGERS EVERYTHING ALSO OWNS THE BLUE JAYS AND THE
SPORTSNET CHANNEL?) AND! DON'T FORGET THE NBA TITLE, THE CALDER CUP, & THE NEW MLS
SOCCER BOOT TROPHY, EH? THEY WOULD BE INTERESTED IN THE MEMORIAL CUP TOO, BUT CHL
MAJOR JR. HOCKEY WILL JUST NOT SELL HERE IN THE "CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE". SORRY, CHAR-
LIE!
UHHHH.......FOLKS, HAVE YA NOTICED THAT THERE'S NO GREY CUP IN THAT MIX? HMMMM..........
WONDER WHAT THEY'RE PLANNING TO DO WITH OUR ARGOS? OUR CFL? "OUR GAME"? DO THEY
KNOW THAT OUR GREY CUP GAME DRAWS OVER 5M VIEWERS EVERY YEAR? AS COMPARED TO
MAYBE 3.5-4M FOR THE SUPER BOWL? BESIDES OUR ARGOS JUST SIGNED A 15 YR. LEASE DEAL AT
THE SKY DOME, OOPS! I MEAN THE ROGERS CENTRE. DOES THAT MEAN AN EVICTION IF THEY GET
THEIR ILLICIT FRANCHISE IN A COUPLE OF YRS.? TALK ABOUT CARPET-BAGGERS! CORP. CARPET-
BAGGERS! MAYBE WE (ALL 5M OF US!) SHOULD SEND THEM A MESSAGE VIA A MUSIC LYRIC FROM
"OKE FROM MUSKOKEE"? "WHEN YOU'RE RUNNIN DOWN OUR COUNTRY & OUR CFL GAME YOU'RE
WALKIN ON THE FIGHTIN SIDE OF ME.........."
EVER WONDER WHAT KIND OF REACTION ROGERS EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE IF JUST A SMALL
PERCENTAGE OF HIS CABLE/INTERNET/WIRELESS/MOVIE RENTALS/ETC.....DECIDED TO CANCEL
ALL OF HIS ABOVE SERVICES? HMMMMM..........LET'S SAY, ABOUT 25% OF HIS CUSTOMERS WHO
ARE CFL FANS? THERE IS VIABLE COMPETITION OUT THERE, YOU KNOW. PERSONALLY MY CABLE
BILL IS OVER $100 A MONTH (YES, I NEED THE MOVIE CHANNEL FOR MY TONY SOPRANO/"PAULIE
WALNUTS" FIX FOR 13 WEEKS.......EVERY 3-4 YRS.!) REMEMBER GUYS, THE SATELLITE OPTION IS
STILL OUT THERE! AND LIKE, DON'T FORGET THOSE ILLEGAL DISHES, EH? YA THINK THESE GUYS
WILL TAKE ME SERIOUS WHEN THEY READ THIS? THEY BETTER, EH?
AM I TALKIN BOYCOTT HERE? YES I AM! I'M ALSO AWARE THAT THE CHARTER MEMBERS OF THE
LEAF NATION WILL NEVER! EVER! BOYCOTT THE LEAFS & THEIR OVER-PRICED PRODUCT ON THE
ICE. BUT IF THERE ARE ANY TRUE CFL FANS AMONGST THEM, AND I SUSPECT THERE ARE MILLIONS
OF THEM ACROSS CANADA, I WOULD ASK THEM TO SHOW SOME SUPPORT FOR OUR GAME, OKAY?
AND ANOTHER THING, WHO SAYS THOSE RABID BUFFALO BILLS' FANS WILL STAY QUIET WHEN
THEIR TEAM IS RIPPED OFF & RE-LOCATED TO THE GREAT WHITE NORTH? WHY, THEY'LL INVADE US
ONCE AGAIN, LIKE IN 1812, THIS TIME VIA VIAGRA FALLS, FROM THE "CAN." SIDE OF THE FALLS I
BET. HATH NO FURY LIKE A BILLS FAN SCORNED!
IF OUR CAN. NFL AFFECIONADOS LOVE THEIR PRODUCT SO MUCH ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS TO
SUSCRIBE TO YET ANOTHER ROGERS EVERYTHING PRODUCT, APTLY CALLED "THE ROGERS NFL
COMPLETE/COMPLETE PACKAGE". THAT INCLUDES EVERY SINGLE NFL GAME BEING PLAYED ON A
SUNDAY AFTERNOON, SUNDAY NIGHT, MONDAY NIGHT, & THE ODD THURS. NIGHT. SO ONCE AGAIN
ROGERS EVERYTHING & MLSEL, (YOU TOO, ONTARIO TEACHERS PENSION FUND BEAN COUNTERS!)
WE CHARTER MEMBERS OF THE HOSER NATION WARN YOU, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS: DO NOT! WE
REPEAT! DO NOT! DO NOT MESS WITH OUR CFL, EH?
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